One midnight of October when I received a sms from my sister telling me that our papa is in the hospital for he had a seizure earlier that day. I was in a complete shock for this never happens to him in his entire life. I was just home that time from a birthday party of a close friend. I came home earlier and was about to have an early sleep since I was so tired that day cleaning up the mess of my crib. I received a text from my younger sister and called her right then to know what is happening way back at Bicol. I cried and cried aloud that night and don’t know what exactly am I going to do. A friend called me out, and someone with a good heart ought to book me a flight for me to be home earlier the next day. Never thought of hitting the bed anymore for a sleep, I just waited for the dawn and the next thing I knew, I was already at the airport.
The ride was not great exactly for I was wondering how my papa is while lying at the hospital bed. I felt tears fell down every now and then from my cheek while my mind is flying out of the window. All along that flight, I was wishing then that all those worries will be taken by the cool wind and will stay out on clouds.
My papa did not recognize me when he sees me standing by beside his hospital bed. He asked me who I am. I can’t utter a word then and don’t know what to say. I clear out my throat and just simply say “papa?” I felt a bit squeeze from my heart, thinking why my papa did not even recognize me as her daughter. I just stared at him and repeatedly ask me who I am. I can’t merely find the right words to say when I just lit up my face and glance to where my Auntie is standing by as if I was looking for a help what to say. My Auntie responds in a soft way telling him “it was Lynn-Lynn, she came home for you.” I felt tears surrounds my eyes and was ready to fell but I hold them back knowing that I don’t wanna be so emotional by that time. Papa asked why I was home in no time, I sweetly told him because he was there at the hospital lying badly because of seizure and he needs to stop drinking liquor from the time he will be out. I told him too that I can’t stop crying at my pad and can’t wait to see him till I knew that he is already fine.
He told me that he felt he was already dying and can’t bear the pain he was feelin’ with those injections and oxygen he has on his body. I gently lay a hand on his head crying out that he would be fine and he will be out of that bed soon. I also told him that he needs some changes on his lifestyle or if not and that happens again, we’ll be sorry for ourselves because of losing him and I don’t want it to happen. I’m not even ready losing a father and I guess, I will never be ready for that. Ever…
Papa never had an attack ever since, that’s why it was a big deal to all of us seeing him like that. He was drunk the whole night, never had a proper meal the next day and that’s when the sodium on his body fails down that brought him to a quiet serious seizure. He was diagnose too with a damage on his liver that can lead to cirrhosis; and aside from that his prostate cancer is starting out now. Because the alcohol reacts to medicines that were injected to his body, he can’t remember what happened, he can’t remember what he said, and he forgot to recognize those people whom he talked with.
We all almost loose him that time; and I’m not really badly ready to lose him. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever… He is a one great father to me though were not that close to each other. I can’t perfectly explain what the feeling is, but I know, I really can’t handle it. I prayed and prayed to God not to get him from us for I can’t imagine what will happen if I let him go… A month ago Amiga just loosed a mother, and when I saw her cried for a time I really can’t figure out if that thing happens to me.
Losing someone you love is not easy. Letting go is the hardest thing or the last thing that you will always do. The emotional distraction could barely left a huge pain into our hearts, but if time calls you will always need to do the acceptance. In my case, I really can tell, not now………………. Love deeply those people you have around. You’ll never know when that fuckin’ time calls and it might be too late for us to say and show how we really love them…
