But not for me...
Life has been cruel to me. That's what I think, and I don't know, but that is my perception. For 27 years of spending my life, I can say that I did really have a bitter life. Ewan, basta yon ang alam ko. Lalo na if my birthday has to come...
It just started out when i was going to turn six. With my innocent life, I don't know that there's something goin' on that's not really good. My papa had a car accident with a little boy at my age. The little boy died the day before my birthday. That's why every time I have to celebrate my special day, my parents never forgets to offer mass and prayers for the little one, Errrol.
I never thought bad luck would always come after me. I can't find the right logic why things are happening around us whenever I have to celebrate a special day for my life. The next misfortune happened when i was in fourth grade. My papa had a real scary motor accident. He got eight broken ribs and bruises in his body. The next year when I was about to turn 11, he got an accident again, same thing when i was about to turn 12. Nakakainis na yon. My family and I are trying to figure out why those things are happening. But no one knows the answer. Hanggang mag ga-graduate ba naman ako from my sixth grade naulit ba naman. And that's the time when I heard papa saying that I’m a bad luck for him. Sakit nun ha?! Ano ba naman ang malay ko sa mga nangyayari sa buhay nya. I tried to hide myself that time. I don't even feel going to my graduation day either. I don't know... And I really don't know why the blame has to be bestowed on me. May magic ba ako? I was so depressed that day. He didn't even kept his promises that he's going to prepare something for me. I don't even have my present like the way he promised me. It did really hurt my faultless feelings. I don't know what to think, as if I got a bad spell for him...
I did kept it within me everything that happened to my life, to our life... I can never forget every single thing of it, even the words spoken from my father's mouth. How every single bad word hit my aching heart… Even me, I can never describe the feelings.... Napapamura na lang ako sa mga nangyari. Bakit? Ginusto ko ba yon? Kung pwede pa nga lang na hindi na ako pinanganak. Sana sinakal na lang ako ng baby pa ako. E di wala sana silang problema. Naging rebellious ako sa sarili ko. Pero i always tried not to hurt papa's feelings anymore. Kahit maliit na bagay. As if paranoid na ako tuwing sasapit ang birthday ko. Ano nga ba ang meron ako, o ako nga ba ang dapat sisihin? I don't hold anyone's life and fate.... I did pray na sana wala nang magyayari sa papa ko na ganun, sa akin na lang. I tried to please God just to hear my prayers... Anything na kapalit tatanggapin ko... Yon nga, nawala, kapalit? Kung di ako magkakasakit, i will be having a deep feeling of sadness and depression on my day. Pero ok na yon, kesa naman sa mga accidents na nangyayari.
Last night i heard him saying that he's really mad at me. Bakit? Di ko alam... I got no reasons for all of this. If I did mistakes with my life, tapos na yon.. It’s a part of my growing up. A part of finding out who I am for the past years. One thing that I don't want from my papa is that he doesn’t accept mistakes and advices. Huh! Perfectionist na ewan! Di talaga kami pwdeng magkasundo kahit kelan siguro. And i just told my mama that i will die fighting against my papa... Was it that i never became a professional? Or did I not become a successful one? na di ko nasunod lahat ng gusto nya? Why just can't he understand that I've got my own life to live with and wants to follow to feed my needs? This is really killing me. I almost give up on him. So unlucky that i got a father like him who doesn't know how to understand her daughter's feelings. He's not thankful for having me in his life I know... And he doesn’t need to tell it right then straight to my face. I know it since then. Besides, I’m not his pet from the family, so what do i expect. We had a fight the other night and I hate it! mag b-birthday na kasi ako. Coincidence? Or is he really trying to make me feel sad? Kasi ayaw nya akong nakikitang masaya! Damn him!
If being envious is a sin, then I’d rather be sinned. Because I envy those people who got a father who treats their children like a friend. A father who asks their daughters what they want. Someone who would ask you what your problem is; who talks in an easy ways and not in a shouting mode. But lucky am I that he provides the needs of the family. Financially and not emotionally! What is wealth if it caused pain?!
I hate him for not guiding me enough with my life. I know I can do it, but I’m still hungry with his sweet words as a father. I long for a fatherly hugs and attention. I don't feel good whenever he is around, I'm always aloof every time I saw him.. This isn't a natural feeling a daughter should have for his father.....
I think I'll blow up like a balloon! No wonder that I've been an attention seeker got childish ways, and acts so immature.... I hate being like this... I need someone to fill that freakin' lacking emotions.....
I never felt I was loved and cared..............
I hate my life!
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