Married With Baggage

I guess this is one of the best stories that I need to share here. After reading, you can in fact ask yourself, “Do I still want to marry or stay single for the rest of my life?”


When Rudy Giuliani and his wife, Judith, revealed that they had six marriages between them, the country raised a collective eyebrow. But for JOEL ROSE and his wife, it took that many just to get it right.

I was upstairs, my wife was downstairs. The phone rang, and I heard her pick it up. A few moments later she was shouting up at me: "Joel, when were we married?" I scratched my head and held off answering for a minute while I thought. Truth was, damned if I knew.

As it happened, Karen was on the line with our banker, trying to put together some last-minute details for a fixed-rate mortgage. She claimed the woman was laughing at her, at the idea that neither she nor I knew the date of our anniversary. Bad enough we couldn't figure out the day, we couldn't even narrow it down to a year. Not even ballpark. "We'll call you back," Karen said into the receiver. In our defense, between us, we've been married six times. Three each. So the bloom is a little bit off the rose, if you know what I mean.

If you take all the years of marriage between us in aggregate, Karen and I have been married for 36 years. We passed silver and are well on our way to gold. In the 11-and-a-half years we've been together (not all of them married, mind you), we've often reflected on the time apart with the belief that it took all that growing up, all that heartbreak, and the failure of our previous marriages to get to a place where things work between us. There is something to be said for the wisdom gained from decades of marriage. I can't speak for our exes, but it certainly has benefited the two of us.

Of course, taking a second and third crack at marriage isn't a new concept. But the six-marriage couple recently joined the mainstream when Rudy Giuliani's wife, Judith, admitted that she had been married twice before. That's right, a presidential front-runner for the party that supports family values -- which rather counterintuitively holds that if you marry more than once it means you hate marriage -- and his wife were on their collective sixth. And while the pundits debated what the revelation said about hizzoner's own family values, Judith offered this: "I think it makes you appreciate marriage a little bit more."

The first time Karen married, she married the old-fashioned way. She dated her intended, had a formal engagement, then planned and had a church wedding. It took a year of marriage for her to realize that she didn't know her husband at all. He had a secret other life, and seven years after their white wedding, he died from disease unchecked. Karen was lucky enough to come out of it unscathed -- at least as far as her physical health was concerned. The episode led her to a near-breakdown and left her mistrusting her own instincts.

Her second marriage was as impulsive as the first one was planned. He was not such a miserable choice, especially considering she'd committed to the decision after only 12 hours of knowing him, but in the end they just didn't make each other very happy. Where her first marriage failed due to epic betrayal, the demise of her second was prompted by a series of petty complaints. The one that seems to have goaded her the most was the way he referred to her as "my wife," as in, a piece of property. Hardly grounds for divorce, but it did speak to Karen's intense conviction that marriage does not equal ownership.

For me, my first wife was the love of my young life. I was only 22 years old, and she was 20, when we married. Barely adults. Life was all possibility, except the possibility of failure. We found we didn't know who we were alone, much less together, and that is a fatal flaw in relationships. We had the best intentions, and we tried, but we just couldn't make it out of our 20s.


My second marriage was to a French woman who swore to me up and down she would never marry. At first, we lived together outside the country. We had a child, but when we tried to come to New York, immigration denied her entry. We married in Montreal for her green card and spent many wonderful years together. What I learned over the course of that relationship, however, was the sad fact that whatever irreconcilable conflicts and problems a couple might have early on will likely arise to cause its demise. From the beginning I was frustrated by my inability to satisfy her emotional needs at the expense of my own. In the end, my needs won out, for better or worse.

One day soon after we had gotten together, Karen and I were walking past Henry's, the Chinese laundry where we brought our clothes. Suddenly, she turned to me, this look in her eyes, and kissed me. "Don't ever ask me to marry you," she said emphatically. "Okay," I agreed.

So, looking back, it seems curious and miraculous that after our longtime accountant suggested that we get married for tax reasons, without much discussion Karen and I met during our lunch hour at the Office of the City Clerk to file a marriage application. We used each other's backs as desks while we filled in the blanks. The next day we returned for the 90-second ceremony. We'd been living together for five years; we had a son. Still, in that shabby municipal office, newly married, each for the third time, we were happy, even a little giddy, kissing, if you can believe it, almost shyly. For our honeymoon (of sorts) we went to Chinatown. The festivities ended with fortune cookies. Hers, I think, read "Look before you leap!"


Now well into it, our marriage seems to be working. We have figured our way through financial difficulties without blame, pulled through illness with grace, and given each other the room to behave badly from time to time without judgment. Karen forgave the lies I told early on, and I endure her slight tendency to tyrannize.

There are moments, though, that test the day-to-day tolerance necessary in any marriage. Since we've been together, I've been known to call Karen by my second wife's name. It's innocent enough, I like to think, since the first syllable of each name is the same.

When I commit this particular atrocity, Karen doesn't seem to mind. She doesn't need to pretend that she is the one and only in my life, as I am not the only one in hers. The common-enough confusion of names is just another persistent indication of the baggage we each bring to the relationship. That said, she is not past correcting me in a certain...er...tone.

Recently, at a public reading of my new novel, in an effort to express my thanks to Karen for her loving support, I managed to correctly say her first name. I then experienced vapor lock and flubbed her last name, calling her by the surname of my second ex. In the audience, Karen sort of laughed. Perhaps her tolerance allows for her own occasional lapses.

Recently, she waxed nostalgic over one of our romantic escapades, walking back to Manhattan together over the Brooklyn Bridge at 4 in the morning, only to be gently but firmly reminded, "Karen, that must have been one of your previous husbands." She looked at me, perplexed, smiled sheepishly, and managed an "Oops." We like to tell ourselves that when we found each other, there were no fantasies involved, and still aren't. She will not make my life perfect any more than I will make hers perfect. I love her, she loves me; there's not going to be a hell of a lot more to be delineated. We agreed from the beginning that we would and could survive, each of us, if necessary, without the other. We are two people. We live together. We have children. We own property together but have separate bank accounts. We don't fetishize marriage by thinking we own each other.

When was that anniversary? We had to look it up for the banker and her mortgage forms. We have a file for personal papers in Karen's desk. There, I found it: March 21, 2001. Or was it the 23rd? I've forgotten already. I could go look it up again, but then, what does it matter? That first kiss, though -- that was 11 years ago, on August 1, 1996, at 10 p.m., during a full moon at the corner of First Avenue and Sixth Street.


By Joel Rosewedding cake toppersBen Goldstein/Studio D

Beauty tips and tricks

I know I have the best hair. When I was a kid, my classmates used to teased me that I’m putting something in my hair so to make it looks like an oily one. But the truth is I put nothing on them. My hair grows normally and they are really oily where it looks like I really spread baby oil or some hair oil to make it shiny. Actually my bath rituals only include soaping my hair and my entire body with any bath soap. I don’t have these shampoos and conditioners for some additional rites when taking a bath. As I remember, I started using those scented shampoos and conditioners when I was already 21 because I like the smell and the way they are packaged. Till then, I’m already used to it and I can’t have my bath when I can’t see any shampoos on my lil’ basket. When I was 13 my hair is long, purely black, shiny and sometimes cut in shaggy style. It stayed that way till I was 19. I started coloring my hair when I was 20 for a change to my aura and then happen to make it curl for sometimes but I usually let it last only for four months and cut it again.

Now, I have a grape red hair cut in a shaggy style with a bangs and that’s it! I still consider my hair as the first class hair since I don’t need to go to parlors to fix and treat them all the time. Moisturizer for my face, lotion for my body, a scent from my perfumes or colognes, light make-ups, best outfit for the day and additional accessories as add-ons to make your day and fashion just right! Oh! By the way, I often dress for comfort and not actually for fashion.

See what I want to share with you out here. It’s beauty tips and tricks and found out what could you make something for yourself too, for a change I guess. Forget those old fashions and dull styles. Hey gurls! Were living in a new generations now out here and we’re ought to express ourselves the best way we can... Gotcha!


7 Easy Beauty Tricks for the Best You Ever!Here, simple strategies to help you score everything from shinier hair to a perkier butt.

Your Goal: Neat CuticlesThe Strategy: Curb Your Impulse to CutWant to get hand-model hands? Resist the urge to trim your cuticles. "Your body overcompensates for what you're cutting away," says Tabitha Caputo, the nail director at New York City's Paul Labreque Salon & Spa. To wean yourself, rub in a good cuticle oil twice a day (olive oil can also get the job done, but if you buy something specifically for your nails, you'll be more likely to use it) and push your cuticles back with a washcloth after every shower. Within a month, they won't grow back as quickly or as thick, says Caputo. If you really can't stand them, once a week let a cuticle remover, such as Orly Cutique — which only whisks away dead skin — sit on your nails for a minute or two. Then, push back the cuticle and apply oil.Try: Essie Apricot Cuticle Oil

Your Goal: Gorgeous SkinThe Strategy: Fight InflammationBy now, you know that the first line of defense against premature aging is sunscreen. But the latest studies show that inflammation — a by-product of sun damage and some chronic conditions, such as rosacea — leads to further breakdown of collagen and elastin fibers. "Everything in the skin that's related to aging is related to inflammation," says Patricia Wexler, M.D., a New York City dermatologist. How to fight it? In the next year or two, you'll be seeing a plethora of facial products that target inflammation, according to Alexa Boer Kimball, M.D., a Boston-based dermatologist. But in the meantime, continue slathering on the 'screen and add an antioxidant cream or serum to your regimen to combat free-radical damage (which triggers inflammation).Try: Kinerase, Murad Energizing Pomegranate Moisturizer SPF 15

Your Goal: Pain-Free FeetThe Strategy: Visit a Podiatrist"By the time most people enter adulthood, they're wearing shoes that are one-half to a full size too small," says Leslie Campbell, D.P.M., a podiatrist and spokesperson for the American Podiatric Medical Association. This can lead to everything from bunions to hammertoes, which are not only unsightly but can be painful. In addition to properly sizing your feet and helping you find the right shoes — which can include heels, as long as they don't twist from side to side and bend only in the toe box — podiatrists have solutions for more cosmetic concerns, such as discolored corns (a problem for women of color) and varicose veins around the ankles. Incidentally, a visit to the podiatrist is covered by most insurance companies.

Your Goal: A Fresh Makeup LookThe Strategy: Experiment with a New HueThe best way to

make a makeup change is to choose the feature you get

complimented on most, and play it up with a color that's the complete opposite of what you normally wear, says makeup artist Victoria Jackson, creator of Lola cosmetics. Like neutrals? Go for color. Like color? Try earth tones. Almost any hue is wearable, says Jackson, since cosmetics these days are so sheer. Two exceptions: purples and fuchsias, which generally take more skill to apply. Try them on your nails to start. Bonus: January is a good time to experiment, since drug- and department stores often mark down their holiday palettes, which contain fun shade assortments.

Your Goal: Speedy Weight LossThe Strategy: Stop Exercising So MuchSorry, it's not quite what you think: You still need to exercise — daily, if possible — but rather than cramming your sweat session into one 30-minute stretch, do it in three 10-minute bursts throughout the day. According to new research from the University of Missouri-Columbia, intermittent physical activity (such as jogging or walking with weights) is just as effective at clearing fat from the bloodstream as exercising continuously for 30 minutes. Furthermore, "fat-clearing enzymes peak about 10 hours after exercise," says Tom Thomas, one of the study's lead researchers. So, the theory is that if you're exercising throughout the day, you'll always have fat-clearing enzymes in your bloodstream.

Your Goal: White TeethThe Strategy: Get a Peroxide Treatment"Whitening your teeth is one of the fastest and most affordable beauty fixes," says Jeffrey Golub-Evans, D.D.S., a cosmetic dentist in New York City who is a proponent of drugstore-available Crest Whitestrips, peroxide-laced adhesives you put on your teeth for 30 minutes, twice a day, for two weeks. As for whitening toothpastes, Dr. Golub-Evans is less enthusiastic, since, with the exception of Rembrandt's, most don't contain peroxide. They also don't remain on your teeth long enough to be effective. A better option: Dip a toothpick in whitening gel (purchased from your dentist or the drugstore) and use it to manually remove coffee, wine, and tea stains that accumulate between teeth.

Your Goal: Healthy, Shiny HairThe Strategy: Cut Back on Heat-Styling"Heat-styling is one of the worst offenders to hair, causing it to weaken and break," explains Dianna Kenneally, a senior

scientist with Physique. As if that weren't enough, hair that's in bad condition is also less apt to hold on to color — and doesn't retain its style, either. Kenneally suggests going unplugged all weekend (you can still blow-dry during the week) and giving yourself a deep-conditioning treatment instead.Try: Bollei Blends Antidote, Physique Deep Hydrating Conditioner, Bumble and Bumble Treatment Damage Therapy Mask


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Your Bottled Water

What I have here are some myths that I got from the net about bottled water that we usually drink. Have some time to read so you’ll completely know what goes beyond our health and body when drinking water.

Bottled water — already a more than $10 billion industry — is the fastest-growing beverage category in the U.S. But is it good for you? Here's the pure truth.

MYTH #1:BOTTLED WATER IS BETTER THAN TAP.Not necessarily. While labels gush about bottled water that "begins as snowflakes" or flows from "deep inside lush green volcanoes," between 25 and 40 percent of bottled water comes from a less exotic source: U.S. municipal water supplies. (Bottling companies buy the water and filter it, and some add minerals.) That's not really a bad thing: The Environmental Protection Agency oversees municipal water quality, while the Food and Drug Administration monitors bottled water; in some cases, EPA codes are more stringent.

MYTH #2:PURIFIED WATER TASTES BETTER.The "purest" water — distilled water with all minerals and salts removed — tastes flat; it's the sodium, calcium, magnesium, and chlorides that give water its flavor. The "off" taste of tap water is the chlorine; if you refrigerate it in a container with a loose-fitting lid, the chlorine taste will be gone overnight.

MYTH #3:BOTTLED WATER WITH VITAMINS, MINERALS, OR PROTEIN IS MORE HEALTHY THAN REGULAR WATER."Vitamins, color, herbs, protein, and all the other additions to water — those are a marketing ploy," says Marion Nestle, Ph.D., professor of nutrition studies at New York University. Plus, the additives are usually a scant serving of the vitamins you really need in a day, adds Amy Subar, Ph.D., a nutritionist with the National Cancer Institute. Enhanced waters usually contain sugars and artificial flavorings to sweeten the deal and can pack more calories than diet soda. When it comes to providing fluoride, tap water usually wins, though that element is increasingly being added to bottled waters.

MYTH #4:YOU NEED EIGHT 8-OUNCE GLASSES OF WATER EACH DAY.The Institute of Medicine recommends about 91 ounces (a little more than 11 8-ounce glasses) of fluid daily for women. But here's the thing: It expects 80 percent of that to come from water, juice, coffee, tea, or other beverages and the remaining 20 percent from food. That means if you drink a 12-ounce cup of coffee and a 12-ounce can of diet soda, you only need 48 more ounces (three 16-ounce glasses, or four soda cans' worth) for the day.

MYTH #5:AFTER AN INTENSE WORKOUT, BOTTLED WATER IS BEST.There's a reason volunteers hand out Gatorade during marathons. If your workout lasts longer than an hour, you need to replace the water and electrolytes, such as sodium and potassium, that you've lost (that's what sports drinks generally do). For less intense workouts, regular water is fine.

MYTH #6:WATER BOTTLES ARE EASY ON THE ENVIRONMENT BECAUSE THEY CAN BE RECYCLED.Wouldn't it be nice? And it's not just the bottles. Eco-costs include manufacturing, trucking, shelving, and marketing. And meeting the annual U.S. demand for plastic bottles requires enough oil to keep 100,000 cars on the road for a year, says Janet Larsen of the Earth Policy Institute. Sure, the 70 million empty water bottles the U.S. produces per day can be recycled, but the sad truth is, about 86 percent of them end up in the trash. Hardly worth it, for what flows out of the tap and into a reusable glass for free.

By Anndee Hochman6 Myths About Bottled WaterBottled WaterAltrendo Images/Getty Images